The funny thing about the relationships that are “right” for us is that there will be aspects of them that don’t feel much different than the ones that were ultimately wrong — not on the surface, at least. What’s interesting, and what people very rarely, if ever, talk about, is that even in the “right” relationship, there will be doubts, there will be pressure, and there will be lapses of overwhelming romantic emotion. This is scary and confusing, because it leaves us questioning the basis on which we decided what was right versus what was wrong.
The right relationship will not be abusive, and neither party will be lackadaisical about the effort they have to put forth in it, but it could very well be as mundane as the wrong ones were at times. It will be as scary. It will bring up as much difficult crap to the surface. The point isn’t to find a relationship that lets you slide by unscathed, it’s about finding someone who inspires you to grow, and inspires you to awaken to your life. Sometimes this happens through the wrong people, but sometimes it also happens through the right ones, too.
The love of your life won’t look the way you think it will, which is probably what makes it so hard to find. This is the result of some combination of not knowing what it is we truly want, not being open to other possibilities, and not seeing someone (or something) for what it truly is. Here, all the weird and unexpected things that will happen when you’re in the right relationship:
It Won’t Feel “Right” All The Time
… Because what does “right” even feel like? Finding the actual right relationship will totally turn your expectations on their completely delusional little heads, because for it to “feel right” that means it would have to align with what you thought you wanted, and as all your other completely 100 percent not correct relationships taught you… you’ve been wrong before.
You’re Won’t Feel As Obsessed With Love Anymore
Once you actually have a stable and loving relationship, you’ll find that you just don’t obsess or think about it as much as you assumed you would. I think this comes from the fact that having to “want” it comes from knowing you really don’t have it. Being at peace with it comes from knowing you really, truly do.
You’ll Be Uncertain At Times
… But you’ll learn that it’s not about being certain. It’s about trying. It’s about seeing. The right relationships are not the ones you’re completely 100 percent positive are your perfect fits right off the bat; they’re the ones that you try for regardless of how certain you are or aren’t.
You’ll Suddenly Realize All The Ways You Want To Improve Your Life Outside Of The Relationship
When you’re in the right relationship, two things will happen: you realize that the romantic area of your life is kind of taken care of, and now your attention needs to turn to the areas that, uh, aren’t. And second, you’ll realize all the ways you genuinely want to be the best partner and person you can be. It’s funny how and what we put our personal growth on hold for.
You’ll Realize That Love Is More Feeling At Peace Than It Is Feeling “Swept Away”
Most of your uncertainty will come from realizing you had no idea what love would actually feel like. And yeah, there are obviously “swept away moments.” There are many of them, in fact. Passion has its time and place, but it’s not love.
They Already Feel Like Family
You didn’t realize that you could ever feel about someone you were romantically interested in as strongly as you do about your actual flesh and blood, but this person does. And it’s incredible, to feel for them all kinds of sexy hot incredible attraction and the kind of love and care and I-don’t-care-if-you-see-me-not-put-together-ness you have with the family you (didn’t) choose.
You Talk About Plans To Take The Next Step(s) Together, Rather Than Whether Or Not You Will
You don’t really “decide” to commit to each other in a serious way, you just kind of… do. And that’s not to say that you don’t have important conversations or make actual decisions together, but that doing so isn’t something you have to seriously go back and forth deciding between, you just kind of instinctively know it’s the next step.
You Start Tracing Back Through Your Past Relationships
When you know you’ve kind of found the person you’re in it for the long haul with, you naturally just start to think through your last relationships: what worked, what didn’t, am I sure that I didn’t want that person I was randomly with three years ago?This does not in any way mean you don’t care about them or aren’t grateful, but it does certainly mean you kind of realize that you’ve made a serious decision, and it’s only natural to wonder.
It Feels More Surreal Than Anything Else
The hope of “oh my god do they love me???” is replaced with “oh shit, this is it.” When it’s real and it’s right, you’re not really stuck wondering whether or not it’s real, you’re honestly just too dumbfounded by the fact that you finally got what you were looking for all this time.
Want more of Bustle’s Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast,I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.